Messages

These are messages to those in my past present and future.

Things I wish I could have, wish I would, wish I will say.

I hate you, not jokingly not out of frustration but actual to the marrow, teeth gnashingly painful hatred.

I love you, I cannot express my need for you in my ability to function, because I don't understand it. You do not complete me, you are me I find my identity through you.

You ruined me, there was a time when I needed your love your direction and you did nothing you failed me.

We could have been something genius me and you were supposed to be something special and it's my fault we aren't

You are nothing more than an acquaintance, I'm not sure why you think we are so close, get far far away from me.

I need you in a way I didn't know was possible, you are my truth my challenge and my safety net you are the person that makes me be me I want/need you forever


Life is complicated messy and stupid, I'm reminded of the words to a hymn "this world is not my own I'm just a passing through" this isn't where I belong therefore is this the real me?

I believe that who you chose to love, who you chose to spend time with, says more about who you are than who you chose to portray yourself as.

Chances are if your reading this I may have chosen you. You may be part of my personality definition, but chances are about equal that you are someone I rejected...

Ps. if you think one of the messages are for you, I'm not telling

Pps. I'm writing The 900 Man because no one commented on my last post it'll be up at the end of the week

So...

I can't sleep, which makes no sense because as of now I've been up more than 24 hrs with only a few quick moments of dosing off on a train and an energy drink at 6 this morning.

I'm laying here reading my old blog posts and cracked articles missing the ability to turn on my tv or Netflix, and I realize I haven't written anything in weeks. I've been surrounded by some of the most indspiring places on the planet and I've produced nothing.

So I will tell you what I'm going to write and hopefully that will make me actually do it. But as I just yawned which means I may have broken my insomnia! I'll just list some titles comment saying which u wanna hear first...

The 900 man
Agate
Inspiring lies
How I got here

Goodnight

Relationships

So there are a few to many fake and real named relationships (named being something other than friend) so I'm writing them all down cause I'm getting confused. If your one of these and you named yourself I hate you if you didn't then I hate whoever did...

I apparently have a... (some of these are real)

Girlfriend
Wife
Fiancé
Boyfriend
Extra sister
Imaginary friends
Real siblings
Extra parents
Another extra sister
Okay I think there are four fake sisters total
And an extra brother

List

Following is a list of things that are rarely if ever advisable but are especially hazardous while in close quarters with a small group in a foreign country. Bear in mind that all of these happened and that many were deemed to scandalous to post.

So in no particular order 10 things never to do based on our example

1. accidentally and irreversibly rewrite the lyrics to a popular worship song.

2. Learn the wrong lyrics to only "lovely ladies" after seeing Les Miserables with small children

3. Swim in a mountain lake when it is NEAR 50 degrees outside

4. Confront your sponsors, asking if they are pregnant

5. Play angry birds during philharmonic concert attended by more than 100 thousand people

6. Write the word ugly on an american flag and give it as a negative reward for the worst person each day

7. Photograph random PDA while being extremely obvious

8. Play with children's toys inside an ancient castle

9. Heil hitler in the Jewish quarter

10. Touch art that was poorly guarded/covered

I think I saw an Invisible man

My summer roomate just described as the deep country of Wales as the place a place where magic still lingers. It's not confined to wales--though it may contain a greater quantity--all of Europe bleeds with history. Every thing In sight teases with whispers of its history.


In the underground near Baker street shadows danced at the edge of sight and darkness itself was blacker. At night the Thames grew still and stars descended below the horizon.


Maybe I've gone crazy, but I prefer to believe that I've finally started paying attention. 


The magic world wouldn't be magic if it was easy to see, and maybe its only noticeable because I'm out of my comfort zone and if that's the case then I need to never be comfortable again. I understand why so many artist and writers went crazy became addicted to drugs or alcohol; inspiritlation comes from confusion all of literature all of everything comes from trying to understand.

Today, I saw magic--three days ago it takes a while for me to post stuff--the U-bahn doors opened, a crowd entered, took their seats or handholds, the train left the station. It took me a few seconds to notice one of the handholds moving the opposite of the rocking train. Focussing on this hipster of a plastic strap used for stability--do they have names?--I noticed it was pulled taut and bent as if held. for three stops this strap continued to defy physics and rock along opposite of mere gravity, then the doors opened the strap fell limp, people left the train, and the train left the station. 

Three thoughts passed through my head; Where was HG Wells's book set? Should I follow this guy? How do you follow an invisible man?

I am now on the lookout for magic, but unfortunately I think thats when you see the least.